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I haven't gotten very far through it yet because of various distractions but here are my thoughts so far.
It's pretty tropey, at least so far. The intro especially. It feels a lot like we're just going through the motions. There's a bad guy, there's a hero, the MC has no idea what's going on... etc. It's feels like we're just trying to get into the story as fast as possible. But if that's the case, we could have just started further in and skipped this by-the-numbers intro entirely. It's not BAD per se, but it just feels rote.
The characters don't shine, likely because the intro isn't giving them space to shine. The main character spends too much time thinking about his own thoughts, which is kind of par for the course for a VN but it's less introspective and more narrative.
Instead of
>am i really going to go back and help that guy? ohh this is such a bad idea XD but of course i am tee hee
try instead
>i have a choice. i can run, or i can go back and fight. and i'm not going to fucking run.
In the former example the character is narrating what he's doing as if he's being pulled along by some force outside his control (i.e. the plot). In the latter example, the character DECIDES (based on his personal CHARACTER) and he MAKES the plot happen. In the latter example, we understand immediately: this guy, whoever he is, he's not going to let himself be a coward. It's disgusting to him, for whatever reason. So he makes his choice.
Ethan tends towards the former rather than the latter, and this is because the idea of someone like Ethan actually going back and throwing himself into a fight between two supernatural entities is implausible. He's a grocery store weirdo, not a hero. Similarly, his reaction to the situation is "This isn't happening" not "I am going to assert myself on this situation" - narrator, not participant. Because Ethan is a grocery store weirdo and not a hero he can't realistically do the things he needs to do to hit the plot beats of the proforma "rote" intro, which is why this feels hollow.
How would I improve this? Simple: Ethan never gets the chance to run away and is FORCED to be the hero. Thus commences his hero's journey.
All that said, I like it so far. I like the premise, and I look forward to the urban fantasy shenanigans to come when I get around to finishing this. I'll check back in when I do. Ethan and Iroko's interactions thus far have been suitably charming and fluffy. The sprites are serviceable and occasionally cute. I'm willing to forgive a lot in stories that tickle my urban fantasy zone.
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