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Now that I'm not feeling like I've been overwhelmed by stress, I think it's time for some people here to know a little about what I did and what I think about the situation.
I started viewing Guoh's stream as much I could back in Late January or Early February in 2017, and I kept viewing Guoh's streams since it felt like a place I could go where I felt like I genuinely had fun being in. But it wasn't long before I noticed a issue that came up constantly in Guoh's stream and it's always created the same type of question: "Is <thing> gonna be uploaded soon?". If you've been to the streams you know it often isn't responded to.
So I took it upon myself and only myself to make sure I got everything I wanted from the streams and I settled that way for a long time until I came across some really rare material that I shared here and now painfully regret doing.
It was already about a little over a year ago that Guoh answered a question saying he was ready to deliver something he was working on, and I just deep down couldn't let that go unnoticed I just felt that I had to share something cause what I saw was looking quite spectacular. I started by inviting a friend to the stream introducing him to Guoh's art blog and what not and also the big thing (you probably know what it is, but I won't say). This eventually caused me to develop a delusional sense of entitlement after I pondered again the old repeating question I often knew was never answered.
I started thinking "...maybe I can fill in the gap myself". I took it upon myself to start sharing what I had already been doing from the very beginning of March 2017, and just recently I ended up with a small circle of people who had appreciated my efforts every time I got a stream recording finished. I kept going over the idea in my head about what Guoh would say about what I am doing and I wouldn't think it would end up killing Guoh's drive to draw and stream, I couldn't fathom something like that just before this week.
As a result I kept dropping hints wherever I could about my activities, there was even a time I straight up told Guoh I had a recording ready in Picarto chat of all places and it's probably the most daring move I've ever done. I offered to give him his art back if his work was erased at one point and he just casually said "Nah, it's not gonna be as good quality, thanks though". I still didn't know if it was not OK (at this point I'm too scared to go directly to him to ask because of fear of being alienated.) and I was still being encouraged by friends to keep going in my pursuit of streams and art from them. Eventually I dropped the hint here and decided to stay in a place with a like-minded crowd. Finally just this Monday Guoh told everyone that he was aware of a "4chan knockoff thread" where someone (me) was recording stream material and posting art rips. I know I've held back on just how much I could post and who I gave it to, as throwing my entire archive to the general public would be like springing open Pandora's box.
That Monday stream he responded to the question about uploads for the first time (but didn't answer) and brought up the subject of recordings and described his feelings on the topic, but other people were pushing that "stalker" and "creepy shit" angle really hard full on and the weight of those messages made me feel torn. The real hard presser was that he was going to stop his streams (but it wasn't until later that I knew posting art would also be effected). At this point I felt a lot of regret for what I had done and I started to notice that I was going about things wrong somewhere down the line. I just couldn't figure out where my delusion started, and I had to find someone willing to challenge my concepts from the beginning and someone who knew Guoh as a friend. And finally after talking and struggling to dig around for my reasoning for continuing to record I eventually directly confronted the statement: "Guoh doesn't owe anyone anything except for those give him cash for his work".
I stopped in my tracks to run that idea that I didn't go over from the beginning. It forced me to think differently about what I did, so I had to think about if this was the hill I was going to die on. The consequences would be more severe now that I broke the news to a friend of Guoh, and that friend of his is someone I care about. I also care for Guoh and how he feels, so I absolutely couldn't continue justifying recording- I felt completely in the wrong. I broke up the group I had barely just put together, deleted every link I'm aware of floating about, posts I've made, and called it quits on my recording activities. I saw the post on twitter where Guoh was talking about being stalked and I just felt dreadful. Not only would I not forsee the issue being this bad, but I didn't want to make Guoh look at me like a creep. However my actions were similar to that of a stalker and I could see why he would want to call me that. Worst part is I may not be able to go on normally, if Guoh already knows who I am then I probably cannot speak to him the same way for who knows how long. I've been used to being bullied in school and being wrongfully called something I know I wasn't, but this hit harder than my first experience of being labelled something. It was a negative label given to me by the one I had looked up to for some inspiration to draw and start myself something that would be my hobby at the very least. I feel absolutely crushed by that message, I'm already slipping into depression from my IRL circumstances going further down the drain, but seeing a artist who I like the most just drain my image indirectly in public is quite a painful thing to take in on top of the financial mess that I am in (I can only hold back the inevitable and slow descent into a dark future for so long...) and I don't think I can let go of the pain as easily as his friend told me it would be if I just stick to my word. The consequences in store for me may already be lingering around in other unforeseen ways and I'm not sure if I'll be prepared to take them on this time. I've been told to stop worrying and that's all I can do since there's nothing left to do than wait.
Edit: I spoke to Guoh and he has accepted my apology, I didn't notice comments for a long while and holy shit this blew up with toxic comments.
Edited at 2018/08/12 19:59:43
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