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The idea of withholding sex is obviously meant to be a motivator for the other party to behave more like the withholder desires. It's usually just a power move. The only way you can adequately argue the point that simply withholding sex isn't abusive is if it's JUST the sex(act) that is being withheld.
What I mean to say is that the withholding partner provide all the other emotional and (most likely) physical nurturing (kisses, hugs, cuddling, ect...) that you both agreed upon providing at all stages before entering into the relationship. After all, if you just don't 'feel' like it, there is no reason not to otherwise fully engage in the relationship and provide completely all other forms of physical nurturing (kisses, hugs, cuddling, ect...).
Humans expect love (emotional and some sort of physical nurturing), respect, recognition, security (physical and emotional) and acceptance in a healthy adult relationship. If the relationship was founded on the understanding that there would be no physical intimacy, then there is no (and shouldn't be) expectation. However, if (like most healthy adult relationships) there were those certain (physical) expectations set in the beginning, then withholding them later (for whatever reason) is unfair at best, deceptive and manipulative at worst.
If either party feels the need to withhold anything (emotional or physical) for any reason at any time during any relationship, then both parties need to reevaluate relationship boundaries, or dissolve the partnership altogether.
I purposely made this sound as clinical as possible, because in this broken situation it certainly isn't an equal, loving partnership anymore. None of this is 'asinine', it's called being invested in the relationship and each other; for better or for worse.
To make clear, I am agreeing that sex isn't a tool. But it is only fair to consider it part of physical nurturing that healthy couples (unless special conditions where agreed upon beforehand) engage in and use to strengthen bonds (all those exeteras I mentioned before). Logically, it could only follow that withholding it (because anyone who has ever withheld sex in a relationship withheld all nurturing too) starts unravelling those bonds. Optional coercive measures were not made clear before entering into the contract, therefore employing them afterwards voids the contract.
Edited at 2018/10/13 00:11:25
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